Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
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