I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
