There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Randomize
