I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
You can't just leave with hair like that
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
They have beer where we have blood.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Randomize
