i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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