He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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