i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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