I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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