just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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