walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
