I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Randomize
