i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize