I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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