i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
