how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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