Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Randomize
