i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
