Only a mothe r could love this liver
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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