three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
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