Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
My breasts were aching with rage.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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