you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
