I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
