Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
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