I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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