The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
