the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Randomize
