dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
