I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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