We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
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