I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Randomize
