I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
