he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
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