Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Randomize
