Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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