I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Randomize
