Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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