he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Everclear isn't food dammit
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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