ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
