Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I don't deserve a penis
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
try to milk me bitch
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