i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Randomize
