I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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