Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
