when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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