I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
