____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I did not marry a roomba.
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