i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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