my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
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