Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
