Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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