someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
two words...techno handjob
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
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