I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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