I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
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