tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
