It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
