Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
