I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Randomize
