I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
